Ok, I really need the experts on Chinese culture and customs to help me out on this one. As my father had recently passed away, I’m wondering if I can celebrate Chinese New Year?
When he died:
…none of our Chinese neighbours would accompany me for a minor surgical procedure because it’s bad “feng shui” for them
…my Mum was prohibited from visiting my cousin (or even my auntie’s house) as she’d recently gotten married.
(CORRECTION: My Mum couldn’t visit my cousin because she’d attended my uncle’s funeral. Apologies for the error. It’s not due to my father’s demise. Thanks to my sister for pointing this out!).
For the kids’ sake, we will celebrate Christmas as it’s always been a family affair anyway.
Chinese New Year is ALWAYS celebrated at my in-laws’ place. Every year, I agonize over getting red, orange or yellowy gold outfits for the 1st day and nightly gatherings.
Next year, I’m in a dilemma:
1. Out of respect for my late father, I should not be celebrating, which means I should definitely not wear red, orange or gold. After all, it’d only be less than a year.
2. Out of respect for my in-laws and Chinese New Year celebrations with family, friends and neighbours, I can’t be wearing funeral colours like black, blue, white or grey.
The mourning period is already over but I still can’t bring myself to wear anything too bright/cheery like red, orange, yellow or pink.
What colours can I wear then???
I will really appreciate some advice here, please. Thank you!
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
How about brown colour.
You can ask the other party if they are ok with you visiting. Not everyone is as superstitious.. Personally, mourning should be short & sweet. Your loved ones wouldn’t want you to be restricted in life but be happy (and prosperous).
in the chinese culture, when you’re married, you belong to yr hubby side. therefore, i think you can celebrate CNY. better still, you can ask yr in law.
I am not Chinese but…colours play a significant symbol in the Church too such as to represent victory, joy, mourning and solemnity. If you can’t bring yourself to wearing red/gold/yellow, then its okay. Go with what YOU feel best to represent your stat. Anyway, I would check with the family members in case they would be offended as not all are superstitious, whichever way you will be going.
I think our family (before I got married) did not celebrate CNY the year after my grandma’s passing. I believe the staunch Hokkiens do not celebrate CNY for 3 years. You should find out from your in-laws if they practise this custom.
my two cents worth
a) if you are married, you’d follow your husband’s side.
b) another scenario is, if you are not in mourning anymore (wear the “hao” on sleeves), practically, you can visit, it is more like “don’t ask, don’t tell” kind of situation.
c) there are many other colors to choose from, out of respect for your recent loss, probably you don’t wear red but there are many other colors, purple, green etc?
d) as for weddings / recently married, normally is to be avoided within 100 days period as it is said that sometimes, it clashed, so it is best to avoid. but then, as said earlier, don’t ask, don’t tell, sometimes, it is the psychology to take care of.
Molly – Thanks, brown sounds OK.
MJ – Ok, I think this should be OK as we visit mostly close relatives and friends. But I’ll take note of this when visiting NEW people…
SK – I think I can celebrate…just don’t wanna offend those outside of the family, you know? Time for me to call my MIL!
LifeJuicer – Yeah…my in-laws and relatives are all Catholics so no problem there. It’s the other folks who are not that I worry about slighting.
Vien – 3 years??? OMG…Hokkiens tend to go overboard sometimes (I’m a Hokkien and that’s how I know hehehe). Lucky my in-laws are Foochows and Catholic!
Frog Prince – Thanks for the explanation. Clears up a lot of questions I have. I think I can do purple and green. No, I wouldn’t like to do the “don’t ask, don’t tell” thing coz I know a lot of people who have strong beliefs in fengshui and all sorts of pantang! Don’t want sevent generations of curses, if I can help it
Cute name you have LOL
Something pastel like? Pale yellow, or soft pink or lilac? Good luck!
I was going to suggest lime green. I’m a yellow banana…don’t know much about Chinese custom. Hey, I didn’t even do the send-a-pig thingy for my wedding……..
Err…wear something comfortable? Not prickly hot? Coz as I remember CNY in Msia is ALWAYS SO VERY HOT!
Hi there, I think brown, purple and ivory -baige color should be alright. Like my mum always suggest: whenever we wear dark color outfit, make sure our accessories are not too dim
yea, SK is right. i dunno why on earth for chinese custom, once the girls are married, they totally belong to the hubby’s side. no longer to their own. there is this chinese proverb i think for this but i’m a banana here so dunno that proverb although someone mention it in cantonese to me before.
so if anyone from the girl’s side has passed on, this will not affect her in terms of superstitions although it will affect her emotionally.
since we all are brought up in modern times, yea, you may jst want to ask ur MIL on this. i know my inlaws don’t really care about this nor my family too. i jst hope i get to celebrate xmas this year since it’s not 100 days by then since my grandma’s passing. i want it coz i hope our family tradition will stay on but i will respect my uncles’ decision on this if they don’t want to have it.
Maybe it is good that you can talk it over with your mom first… after all, she’s a Hokkien?
For my family we are not so pantang but my FIL is so I will always talk to him 1st to avoid being not respectful. My hubby will say, cut the craps! LOL
Anyway, just wear something comfy and colours that suite your mood… don’t think your dad wants you to feel gloomy during CNY rite?
hey… i am really interested in the type of milk which failed the melamine test in HK and China. To our malaysian press, everything is ok but i heard our ministry of health just go there and ask… “ada guna susu dari cina tak?” when the company said no, they just take it as it is.
i thought u can wear any colour after the funeral?
And also celebrating CNY , just not giving out ang pow only…. that’s what i heard when my good friend’s father passed away 5 months before CNY.
Hi, this my personal opinion….go ahead and celebtrate Chinese New Year. I’m sure your dad wants you too.
I believe one mourns in the heart and thoughts but not outwardly.
Life has to go on….and if we were to follow all these old traditions and superstitions….we’ll be stuck in our homes not able to go anywhere.
I wore red the day after my father passed away. I have informed my wife, anything happens to me, wear red, not black…and open up my bar invite friends over…..have a drink on me. Just remember me as I was, thats all.
You just think what is right for yourself and your kids and go ahead….
If we start worrying what people will think or say or talk….then we sure going to have a very quiet life.
You have a great weekend, Lee.
Goolypop, Paik Ling, Mott and HN – Thanks for the colour suggestions. I forgot there are 7 colours in the rainbow to choose from…
Syn – Yeah, will check with MIL. We’re definitely celebrating Christmas (for the kids) and also in memory of my father. He’d insisted we celebrated it too in the year my grandpa died. I never understood why then, but I know now.
Angeleyes – Aiyo, my Mum is very blur about Chinese customs one! My MIL will be able to advise. Thanks, dear!
Zewt – I think if you Googled it in Chinese, you’d be able to find the 22 brands. Not sure if all of them are marketed outside China though…LOL, are you serious how the Min. of Health did it?
VivianZ – Thanks for the feedback about the angpow. I think that makes sense…I don’t mind being a part of the festivity, just not in much of a festive mood, you know? And angpow giving can be quite ‘fun’ and ‘jovial’ I know…gonna make Hubby do it next year.
Uncle Lee – Thanks…I’m sure he does. I don’t really care about what people think. I just don’t want people to go “Choi! How can you inflict your bad luck on us bla bla bla…” you know? Having a very nice Chinese auntie suddenly change her mind about accompanying me for the medical procedure shook me up a bit, you see. And the last thing I want is for people to say, “Didn’t your parents teach you anything?”
I celebrated CNY as usual the year after my dad’s passing, and that’s an even shorter gap compared to yours since dad passed away in Sept. My in-laws said the pantang or whatever doesn’t apply to me as I now “belong” to their family.
hmmm how about lavender color? soft lavender dress is alright. I think no problem celebrating CNY because normally it took 100 days for the mourning (that’s what i heard fro my girlfriend from HK). Since its passed that time already, its fine to celebrate CNY
dun worry, take it easy yea
A Mom’s Diary – Thanks for sharing your experience. I just found myself a simple pink and white top that I can live with and make my MIL happy too
Chumpman – Thanks…I prefer lavender, purple and dark red actually to the brilliant red of CNY. Will keep my eyes open…
I think different custom different rules leh. BTW, brown is considered a darker shade of red for the hokkiens. When my dad passed away, we didnt celebrate for years till one of us had kids, but only because it reminds us too much of my dad. He passed away on CNY eve itself. So CNY and CNY eve has always a sad time for us , even now, because we held a prayer for him on CNY eve. But we now celebrates it because of the kids. But if I am not mistaken, the custom is that off springs do not celebrate for 3 years. And you could visits on CNY but visitors are not allowed in your ancestral home.
But in the Cantonese custom, when my grandad passed away, we wore red on the 3rd day itself, to ward bad luck. And we celebrated CNY thereafter and wore bright colours after the 3rd day of funeral.
That being said, I think nowadays the pantang larang has relaxed somewhat , so it’s like you do what you are comfortable with. Hope that helps